Reiteration

I feel like some things need to be explained.

Obviously, since people can’t witness the whole process my mind goes through with every subject and given the lack of words to accurately portray my thought at the time, those who read this might not understand where the thought came from. So, allow me to reiterate the end of the previous blog.

It all comes from one instance that spurred a huge part of the guilt of self focus, my craving for attention, and the oblivious potential of becoming someone’s idol. Grove City Ohio. Some know, some don’t. So, a HUGE Nazarene church was the location and This Fires Embrace normally put us somewhere in the line up whenever they played there. Every time we’ve played there, we’ve gotten a major response from the crowd in mosh pits, reaction, and merch sales. This time was different. The set was going as planned and the crowd was going crazy during our songs, nothing new in Columbus. During the last song, Tyler, for some “not thought through” reason, invites the whole freakin front row onto the stage to dance with him. Cereal, like 40 kids just crowd the stage and a large chunk of them gathered around me. I was freakin out because I was worried about their safety. Well, I must admit it gave me a little bit more adrenaline though so I started rockin out harder with the kids on stage, you know. Then, about 7-8 kids around me got down on their knees and started bowing to me as though I was effin Allah or some $h!7! At that point I thought, “ok, this is definitely not about God anymore.” I didn’t stop playing even though I wanted to.
THEN, as that was happening, somebody from behind grabbed my right buttcheek. And, I’m talkin squeezed baby…grasped. Still playing, I turned around quickly to see who did it and it was a couple of teenage girls man! They yelled to me," you're so hot!" I shook my head and went back to rockin and they started doing it again. Finally the song ended and we were done playing. I stood up and everybody around went in for hugs. Sigh. I don’t think they were thinking about why I was playing drums at that moment, especially the dudes bowing and the grabbers.

Here’s the bottom line, people. I fear that I am a distraction for you. The question is, was my drumming a tool for leading the way to truth in Jesus, or was it a tool for showing off and self gratification? My intension is the first, but I can’t deny the latter. I do show off. I love playing my heart out and I love “getting into it.” You know why? Well, I don’t either. There are words to suggest the way I feel but they aren’t good enough. I’ll try anyway. I am SO grateful to God for allowing me to have a mind for understanding rhythm and coordination. I want to use it to the best of my ability! I love the feel of “chemistry” between friends through music. Making music with someone somehow creates an unmentioned bond. The affect of music is inexplicable. I remember going to see Phantom of the Opera for the first time. When the Phantom hit the falsetto note in “Music of the Night”, I teared up dudes! Not because of the storyline, and not because of the words being sung. It was just the note that touched my senses enough to push water from my insides in pure awe of ability. I love expanding my coordination. It rules when I create a “beat” that tests my mind.
I guess a see it as a compliment that escalated into a crave for the stage. Somebody noticed that I had coordination, and they felt the need to say something that made me feel accomplished and confident. Now, I sign drumsticks. Somewhere in the middle of the escalation, I was influenced to fuse my drumming with witnessing about the life of Christ. I wanted to be in a band/community/group of musicians that shared the ability to create and that was interested in the advancement of the kingdom. Our songs were nothing more than poems about love, grace, and truth in Christ with music behind it that contained the best of what each could bring to the song. So, why the following questions and observations?...

“I wonder how he feels when I do things to impress people so that they react to my display. Luke 17:1-2.
It scares me to death.”

With the thought of my choice to fuse Christ and my musical abilities, the failures of doing so are more prevalent in my reminiscence, specifically in Columbus, by leading kids into the sins of lust and false idolatry. I know it was their choice to carry them out, but I feel guilty being the vessel of those sins. Make sense? Again, I feel like I’m a distraction.
OK
“1Timithy2:2 Why is that so hard to do? What/where the eff does attention from random people get me in eternity!? NOTHING/NOWHERE you idiot!”

I didn’t have any resources handy and I took that verse out of context. I confess. BUT!, my thought still remains. I was trying to express frustration with my desire for self glorification. Why do I feel the need to impress folk? Why do I want to be known? I’m trying to make Christ known, not me. When people come and tell me that I am the best drummer they have ever seen, I feel good man. But how in this short lived, feeble existence is respect from peers going to get me closer to my creator? It won’t! and that is what I’m trying to tell myself. The desire for it though is tough to put aside when I’m on stage.

Often, I think of just throwing all music away and living quietly, helping others tangibly without ever being noticed.

Why don’t I just freakin do it!?

A short story ended, another chapter complete

It’s Over.

My ministry, my friendships, my band, my influence, my project, my "baby", my way out from sitting in front of this damn computer, my black hole of attention, the fame, the signatures, the wet clothes, the hardships, the bad luck, the deepening of dept, the empty venues, the filled ones, the struggle of separating ministry and compliments, the guilt of self focus, my confidence, the pride when recognized as the drummer of…, the loudness of a crowd after a song that impressed them, the spoken respect from other musicians, the frustration of late bandmates, the worry of break up, the satisfaction of creation, temptation to stray from the reason I want/aim to play, and yet, here I go again…

Thank you for what the past 4 years have and haven’t been for me. Thank you for helping me through temptations and I’m so sorry for falling, mostly likely, more than overcoming. Thank you for tribulation and being my strength when patience was tried. Thank you for those involved that have shared all of these emotions and who gave me something tangible to turn to for love, encouragement, and a reality check. Thank you for safety and letting our performances be “uneventful” through your protection. Thank you for friends I’ve acquired and contacts I’ve made. Thank you for your mercy on me, even after my failures and mistakes during these years.

All I am right now, is confused. I can't determine if it was more of selfish endeavor or a desire to be used somehow. The end got a little unfocused. I don't believe it to be coincidence that as the focused turned away from ministry, it fell apart.

Interesting.

I wonder how my creator feels when I go to a concert and I clap my hands, sometimes voice my appreciation, for the display of talent. What am I doing to that person/band. Confirming that they rule at their instruments and that they have a creative ability I respect? I'm definitely not thinking about God and his creative ability at the moments people impress me. It's not all the time that this happens. I just wish I could know how He really feels about it. Is there jealousy?

I wonder how he feels when I do things to impress people so that they react to my display. Luke 17:1-2.
It scares me to death.

1Timithy2:2 Why is that so hard to do? What/where the eff does attention from random people get me in eternity!? NOTHING/NOWHERE you idiot!

I think I need prayer people...
Thanks

A Dream Elaboration II

Suddenly the gunmen stopped shooting. There was complete silence as I held my breath and looked wide eyed against the opposite wall. A sadness came over me realizing that everyone is most likely dead. I was too stupefied to shed the tears that were ready. Still silence. I thought I might hear the gunmen walk over this way to make sure the house was clear but I heard no movement. I wasn’t certain, but maybe it was due to the shots temporarily puncturing my senses.

Then there was some rustling and mumbling. I tried with every ounce of my senses I had left to translate the sound waves into something I could understand. I still couldn’t move. The moment had not sunk in. It was complete surreality. A minute passed by. “Why haven’t they come back here yet? They had to of seen me.” I thought. I was just waiting for the moment when one of the killers peeks around the corner. Would I run? Would I stand? Would I move at all? The reality of scenario started to invade my head and I started to panic. I let go of the breath I was holding. My eyes got wider. The beats of my heart were shortening in interval by the nanosecond when my condition was immediately interrupted with a voice, clear as water, that calmly spoke,” He’s back there.”

A chill colder than the ice hotel in Russia went racing down my spine. My stomach disappeared into the depths of earth. The voice was very familiar. As familiar as if I had known the person behind those words my whole life. A friend, my family, a person I’ve trusted, and the last person I would expect to reveal my unknown presence in this bloodbath of a home. I felt multiple emotions at once. Fear most of all because it appeared as though those were the last words I would ever hear before the end of my life. But I was betrayed. A close, dear, significant friend handing me over to death. How could he do this!? Well, it seemed that those were the magic words to snap me out of my stiffness and hide deeper into the house. So I moved.

The storage room was dark with minimal light from a full moon coming in through one of two windows in the whole house. I swiftly made my way through the stacked boxes in the storage room to the deepest part of the house behind a wall that was kind of out of place. It was a random wall that stuck out about 4 feet and just took up space. But, no matter. It hid me well. “Ok Andy. Think!” I heard the rustling of boxes from behind the wall. Adrenaline started to rush through my whole body. I would have to fight! I peeked around the corner as I still heard boxes being moved around. He didn’t see me because of the darkness but I saw him in the moonlight looking for me behind every stack. I went back to hiding. How can I escape death? He has a gun. Even if I tried to wrestle this man, the other would come to his aid.

My eyes started getting used to the darkness, just enough to see outlines of things around me. I could see a box next to me and there was nothing on the walls. I looked down onto the credenza in front of me and there they were. Two .357 hand guns! They were just sitting there. No case. Not hidden. Under nothing. Two guns alone on top of a wooden credenza. They were my heroes. They were my life at this moment. I didn’t care where they came from at this point because I had seconds to live. I picked them up and cocked them to be ready for defense. One in each hand. I was prepared to kill the killers and be done with this tragedy of an evening. I plotted in my head when to make my move. But, then something came over me. I was so compelled by it that I couldn’t resist. The most peaceful mindset I had ever experienced.

Without debating in my mind or reconsideration I looked at the guns and simply said out loud,” this isn’t me.” The peace I was experiencing drove me to complete surrender. All fear vanished.

I put them down…took the deepest of my last breathes…and surrendered. I placed my hands behind my head and proceeded out from behind the wall towards the gunman and knelt before him. I could sense his astonishment and confusion. He wasn’t expecting what was happening. I was on my knees before the man who was about stop my heart. To my amazement, the moment was not tense. I didn’t feel any nausea, anxiety, or unrest. I was simply at peace, healthy, and normal ready for the expected. End.
He inched closer and I felt the tip of his handgun touch my head. I always thought I would cry if I faced death. But, this night was strange. It was nothing as I anticipated. Waiting for his gun to make the last sound that would be associated with my existence I could only think of one phrase. “This is it.” I thought. Accepting this fate with my eyes closed I said out loud,” My Father…My Savior, here I come.”...


In an instant after those spoken words, I felt the gun removed from my head. I felt nothing. I opened my eyes and was temporarily blinded like when turning on the first light of the morning. My eyes adjusted and I looked up to see that my surrounding was completely different. An open field with grass, tall as the waist. A sky with the most beautiful combination of colors I had ever witnessed. A landscape of mountains in the distance and the sun shining to light up everything around. And, Him! The gunmen, running away in a complete sprint as if he was running from the fiercest of animals hungry to devour. I was still kneeling in complete confusion. What happened?

And then, bang bang! The sound scared me a little and made me jump where i was. I looked around to find the source of that noise. Bang Bang Bang! “Hello? Who’s…….”whAT?” Bang! “Andy get up!” “I’M UP!” I said. Laying there without opening my eyes, I realized what I needed to do.

Time to get ready for school.

A Dream Elaboration

“Hey, Andy, can I get you a drink? How ‘bout something to grub on?” “Nah, I’m cool, man.” I replied. Even though I have been eyeing the cookies on the table, I still refused. He insisted, almost pushing as if it was needed for me to accept so that the awkwardness of this scenario would be diminished. “There’s chips and somebody brought cookies and stuff. You sure?” “I’m fine. I appreciate it though.” Said with a smile. I had been sitting there to myself since I had arrived so I understood that he was trying to break the ice.

As he went back to mingling I remained sitting in the chair and resumed my staring contest with the TV. Five of us were watching the game and there was no conversation being had. They didn’t know me and I didn’t know them. Just blank stares. Sudden motions caught my eye every now and again because of my anticipation of one of these people spilling their drink on the carpet I was about to own. I wouldn’t care about the spill happening on the couch, but the carpet stays behind and so would any stain. I was already bothered with everybody leaving their shoes on. Don’t they have even the slightest courtesy to ask if they should take’em off when entering the house? Well, I just had to forget about it because even the thought of being “that guy” and the downer of the party was embarrassing. The whole scene of my disappointment being expressed was clear in my head and I wasn’t about to make it a reality.

This night seemed like a waste of my time. I was a fly on the wall. Aside from the couch dwellers, there were clicks by the door and in the dining room laughing and having a good time with each other. The others on the couch would yell and high five when their team scored as I was forgotten. How was I supposed to get involved? I won’t even see these people again, probably the rest of this life. The conversations, that I suppose I could initiate, wouldn’t matter at all. It would be only small talk.

“I have no idea why I accepted the invitation to his party. I knew there were no mutual friends between him and me. Before buying his house we hadn’t even met. Did I come here to make sure they don’t destroy my new residence because of negligence of the new ownership? What if something did happen? What am I gonna do about it? Yell? Would he even do anything about it? I mean, this is the last time he’ll have any function here. He doesn’t care. Ok, stop worrying and get your butt off this chair. Socialize, quit being the weird dude who doesn’t know anybody, and go to the table for a cook…” DING DONG. My thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell. As was everybody’s conversation for a split second. Then loudness again. Everybody went back to being social. He yelled to the people standing on the other side,”Alright I’m comin!” and made his way to the door.

Before he could even swing the door all the way open…BAM BAM BAM! Bullets came through the door pushing it open faster and one of them hit him in the chest. The loud shots from the gun startled everybody into silence for a split moment as they held their ears. Then, screams overpowered every noise in the room as two men in ski masks came in opening fire on the house filled with causal partiers. I didn’t hesitate to move when I saw them. I frantically jumped behind the wall connecting the storage room and living room. It was a quick move, especially being in the chair closet to the kitchen. With my back against the wall, my heart was a jack hammer as a listened to clips being emptied on these people I didn’t know. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t go deeper into the house because of my shock. I couldn’t get my body to obey the need to hide in the dark storage room. It happened so fast. The gun fire was so loud I had to scream in my mind to hear my own thoughts. “Why did I come here?!”

.....TBC

Knowing everything...

Is the recognition of knowing nothing!

So its been a while since i've posted. The reason for that is, over the past 3 weeks or so, the knowledge or the grip i thought i had on God, life, and its origin was really tested. Needless to say the grade i got on that test was an F. I was getting real comfortable because i was watching some christianity vs. Atheism debates and finding a little more evidence torward the existance of God and stuff like that. I got real confident and almost cocky man. Then one day i was listening to this song called No Reason to Hide by Hillsong cause i had to learn the drums for Sunday night. At the end of the song they were starting the bridge riff again and the lead dude yelled to the crowd..."IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH JESUS?!"...then you hear the crowd go crazy in response showing that they are. I was really disturbed about it for some reason.

Wait a minute...how could that be? I've been a christian for a really long time. I've had a "relationship" with Jesus for a good part of my life. It spurred a serious concern in my mind. Well, i really started questioning what it meant to have a relationship. I thought, well i didn't know Jesus. I mean we have the bible and it tells us about his life and how he changed people's lives for enternity but I didn't know how good of a carpenter he was. i didn't know what his sense of humor was like. i started thinking to myself what a relationship should be like i guess. i got really discouraged about it because i felt like i didnt know enough. THEN, the band got together after practice at BW3's. On the way there i had my ear stuffed with what happened to my friend Max on his trip on the Scream the Prayer tour. He was talking about how he witnessed miracles happen and stuff and how his eyes were opened to a whole different world of christianity. He quoted the verse about Jesus telling his disciples that everything he did...they would be able to do more. Max, please understand i'm not doubting you buddy but i just wasn't there. It kind of fed my disturbance with what christianity is being labeled as. And listening to him made me feel a little less "christian" Well, since we were pretty much on the subject already, at Bdubs, i started going into what i was feeling about stuff. It really got elevated and just imagine 6 dudes, that think they know everything, trying to explain their perspective at once. I won't lie. there were some great theories being considered but i was so confused with my own struggles that i couldn't make sense of theirs, ending up in silence at the point of no solid answers and questions on the subjects of predestination and free will, morals, and the very existence of God. That conversation was pretty much the last straw.

Also, its necessary to say that Jaki showed an email from her cousin that was going through my head all this time as well. At one point of the email he typed that "Faith is the biggest Gap filler he's ever known". When i think about that statement i agree with it and i dont really. I mean i feel like some people use it for comfort during struggle so that they don't have to really think about whats happening. Just gotta have faith. and the reason i don't really agree with it will be discussed in a sec...

So, i thought about it during all the debating and thinking over the weeks and i didn't want to just cop out and say well i have faith and thats why i believe. The thoughts and huge conversation at BDubs made me crave an iron clad answer torwards one extreme or the other on multiple subjects. I turned to some of my respected fellow human brothers for perspective and they weren't giving me what i wanted to hear. They didn't have the answers. Nor could i put all the knowledge i've obtained over the years together. So, ladies and Gentlemen i was seriously on the edge of my beliefs and really "straddling the fence" man.

Sigh. so one day at work last week as i was talking to John i was just venting to him about everything going through my head. well, he had some thoughts about my thoughts that i didnt expect. To sum it up the whole day was just a process of realizing that i am not a human with a mind able to comprehend the awesomeness of my God and his infinity. A process of realizing that faith is more than a gap filler or "the end of the road" to knowledge...but a choice to respond to perfect love and grace, an adoption of the way God meant for us to love and live, and an acceptance of knowing our minds won't comprehend how and why God is and did. That may not be the best way to put whats going through my head right now but its what is in my vocabulary so deal. furthermore, there is no iron clad proof for God's existence that i am unaware of in my life. Nor, is there iron clad proof that God doesn't exist. What i do know is that with everything i've researched and simply observed (nature), there is more Evidence for God and his intelligent design for our existence than for the incredible coincedence of everything just happening. This whole oreo-deal was really uh, eye openning. i descibed it to some of the youth group being tripped to the ground so that i can be humble again and remember i need him. i still need the fundamentals...love, relationship, grace. We may know a lot but we are still amateurs.

"When you play drums you still hit the strong beats most of time, but what you initially learned as the "right way" to play drums is inadequate at best at this point in time. There's nothing artistic about stupid (or simple) drumming, and there's nothing "Spiritual" about ignorant faith."
thanks John for that whole analogy!

And as far as Jesus is concerned...

John 1:1 baby. I think about what was written and i wonder. what if they described every aspect of his life? what if they wrote about his humor? Here's my thought. texting/email... the reality is, so much of communication is relient on TONE. If i text a sacastic remark, i've affended people before cause they didn't read it the same way i text it. with our lack of presence in that time, would we "get" some things that could have been written. i don't assume humor wasn't around in the time of Jesus. I'm convinced that it wouldn't have affected me in any way if mundane details were mentioned. I mean, sometimes people have a hard time with what we have already because they don't realize the context and they take what they read at face value. My point is, what was written is perfect and it's necessary and it's all that's needed for me to expand my feeble mind into an understanding of my creator's perfect love and desire to have connection with me.

Well, that was a lot. i don't feel like typing anymore.
Thanks to you all for helping and challenging my head. i love you.
-A-

Greetings

So, here i am. Finally...ok! First of all, i hate this already! It doesn't automatically fix my typing errors. Dang it! I apologize for errors. I know how to type and i'm relatively ok at grammar. IM GUHST LAYZEE I'll type like i talk!

Anyway, I've never been a Diary/Journal keeper. I'm 24 and I think about how many good and bad memories that i might have forgotten. It's depressing. Oh well. they prolly don't matter cause this life is just just temporary. So, what inspired this Blog is Neil Eckstein's Blog...Life as we know it. Plus i think its a good time in my life because there are a couple new developments and i would like to look back at this point and see how i handled some issues. I have a girl that i've been dating for 2 months now of whom i will discuss in another post. My band The Beneath is on the verge of breaking up and i have no idea how involved in the music scene i'll be after this. I mean i've been in music for half my life. We'll see huh? And lastly, I definitely want to have my views at this point of life documented somewhere else.

My goal...

I want to/Plan on blogging at least once a week. Discipline Baby!