Knowing everything...

Is the recognition of knowing nothing!

So its been a while since i've posted. The reason for that is, over the past 3 weeks or so, the knowledge or the grip i thought i had on God, life, and its origin was really tested. Needless to say the grade i got on that test was an F. I was getting real comfortable because i was watching some christianity vs. Atheism debates and finding a little more evidence torward the existance of God and stuff like that. I got real confident and almost cocky man. Then one day i was listening to this song called No Reason to Hide by Hillsong cause i had to learn the drums for Sunday night. At the end of the song they were starting the bridge riff again and the lead dude yelled to the crowd..."IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH JESUS?!"...then you hear the crowd go crazy in response showing that they are. I was really disturbed about it for some reason.

Wait a minute...how could that be? I've been a christian for a really long time. I've had a "relationship" with Jesus for a good part of my life. It spurred a serious concern in my mind. Well, i really started questioning what it meant to have a relationship. I thought, well i didn't know Jesus. I mean we have the bible and it tells us about his life and how he changed people's lives for enternity but I didn't know how good of a carpenter he was. i didn't know what his sense of humor was like. i started thinking to myself what a relationship should be like i guess. i got really discouraged about it because i felt like i didnt know enough. THEN, the band got together after practice at BW3's. On the way there i had my ear stuffed with what happened to my friend Max on his trip on the Scream the Prayer tour. He was talking about how he witnessed miracles happen and stuff and how his eyes were opened to a whole different world of christianity. He quoted the verse about Jesus telling his disciples that everything he did...they would be able to do more. Max, please understand i'm not doubting you buddy but i just wasn't there. It kind of fed my disturbance with what christianity is being labeled as. And listening to him made me feel a little less "christian" Well, since we were pretty much on the subject already, at Bdubs, i started going into what i was feeling about stuff. It really got elevated and just imagine 6 dudes, that think they know everything, trying to explain their perspective at once. I won't lie. there were some great theories being considered but i was so confused with my own struggles that i couldn't make sense of theirs, ending up in silence at the point of no solid answers and questions on the subjects of predestination and free will, morals, and the very existence of God. That conversation was pretty much the last straw.

Also, its necessary to say that Jaki showed an email from her cousin that was going through my head all this time as well. At one point of the email he typed that "Faith is the biggest Gap filler he's ever known". When i think about that statement i agree with it and i dont really. I mean i feel like some people use it for comfort during struggle so that they don't have to really think about whats happening. Just gotta have faith. and the reason i don't really agree with it will be discussed in a sec...

So, i thought about it during all the debating and thinking over the weeks and i didn't want to just cop out and say well i have faith and thats why i believe. The thoughts and huge conversation at BDubs made me crave an iron clad answer torwards one extreme or the other on multiple subjects. I turned to some of my respected fellow human brothers for perspective and they weren't giving me what i wanted to hear. They didn't have the answers. Nor could i put all the knowledge i've obtained over the years together. So, ladies and Gentlemen i was seriously on the edge of my beliefs and really "straddling the fence" man.

Sigh. so one day at work last week as i was talking to John i was just venting to him about everything going through my head. well, he had some thoughts about my thoughts that i didnt expect. To sum it up the whole day was just a process of realizing that i am not a human with a mind able to comprehend the awesomeness of my God and his infinity. A process of realizing that faith is more than a gap filler or "the end of the road" to knowledge...but a choice to respond to perfect love and grace, an adoption of the way God meant for us to love and live, and an acceptance of knowing our minds won't comprehend how and why God is and did. That may not be the best way to put whats going through my head right now but its what is in my vocabulary so deal. furthermore, there is no iron clad proof for God's existence that i am unaware of in my life. Nor, is there iron clad proof that God doesn't exist. What i do know is that with everything i've researched and simply observed (nature), there is more Evidence for God and his intelligent design for our existence than for the incredible coincedence of everything just happening. This whole oreo-deal was really uh, eye openning. i descibed it to some of the youth group being tripped to the ground so that i can be humble again and remember i need him. i still need the fundamentals...love, relationship, grace. We may know a lot but we are still amateurs.

"When you play drums you still hit the strong beats most of time, but what you initially learned as the "right way" to play drums is inadequate at best at this point in time. There's nothing artistic about stupid (or simple) drumming, and there's nothing "Spiritual" about ignorant faith."
thanks John for that whole analogy!

And as far as Jesus is concerned...

John 1:1 baby. I think about what was written and i wonder. what if they described every aspect of his life? what if they wrote about his humor? Here's my thought. texting/email... the reality is, so much of communication is relient on TONE. If i text a sacastic remark, i've affended people before cause they didn't read it the same way i text it. with our lack of presence in that time, would we "get" some things that could have been written. i don't assume humor wasn't around in the time of Jesus. I'm convinced that it wouldn't have affected me in any way if mundane details were mentioned. I mean, sometimes people have a hard time with what we have already because they don't realize the context and they take what they read at face value. My point is, what was written is perfect and it's necessary and it's all that's needed for me to expand my feeble mind into an understanding of my creator's perfect love and desire to have connection with me.

Well, that was a lot. i don't feel like typing anymore.
Thanks to you all for helping and challenging my head. i love you.
-A-