Reiteration

I feel like some things need to be explained.

Obviously, since people can’t witness the whole process my mind goes through with every subject and given the lack of words to accurately portray my thought at the time, those who read this might not understand where the thought came from. So, allow me to reiterate the end of the previous blog.

It all comes from one instance that spurred a huge part of the guilt of self focus, my craving for attention, and the oblivious potential of becoming someone’s idol. Grove City Ohio. Some know, some don’t. So, a HUGE Nazarene church was the location and This Fires Embrace normally put us somewhere in the line up whenever they played there. Every time we’ve played there, we’ve gotten a major response from the crowd in mosh pits, reaction, and merch sales. This time was different. The set was going as planned and the crowd was going crazy during our songs, nothing new in Columbus. During the last song, Tyler, for some “not thought through” reason, invites the whole freakin front row onto the stage to dance with him. Cereal, like 40 kids just crowd the stage and a large chunk of them gathered around me. I was freakin out because I was worried about their safety. Well, I must admit it gave me a little bit more adrenaline though so I started rockin out harder with the kids on stage, you know. Then, about 7-8 kids around me got down on their knees and started bowing to me as though I was effin Allah or some $h!7! At that point I thought, “ok, this is definitely not about God anymore.” I didn’t stop playing even though I wanted to.
THEN, as that was happening, somebody from behind grabbed my right buttcheek. And, I’m talkin squeezed baby…grasped. Still playing, I turned around quickly to see who did it and it was a couple of teenage girls man! They yelled to me," you're so hot!" I shook my head and went back to rockin and they started doing it again. Finally the song ended and we were done playing. I stood up and everybody around went in for hugs. Sigh. I don’t think they were thinking about why I was playing drums at that moment, especially the dudes bowing and the grabbers.

Here’s the bottom line, people. I fear that I am a distraction for you. The question is, was my drumming a tool for leading the way to truth in Jesus, or was it a tool for showing off and self gratification? My intension is the first, but I can’t deny the latter. I do show off. I love playing my heart out and I love “getting into it.” You know why? Well, I don’t either. There are words to suggest the way I feel but they aren’t good enough. I’ll try anyway. I am SO grateful to God for allowing me to have a mind for understanding rhythm and coordination. I want to use it to the best of my ability! I love the feel of “chemistry” between friends through music. Making music with someone somehow creates an unmentioned bond. The affect of music is inexplicable. I remember going to see Phantom of the Opera for the first time. When the Phantom hit the falsetto note in “Music of the Night”, I teared up dudes! Not because of the storyline, and not because of the words being sung. It was just the note that touched my senses enough to push water from my insides in pure awe of ability. I love expanding my coordination. It rules when I create a “beat” that tests my mind.
I guess a see it as a compliment that escalated into a crave for the stage. Somebody noticed that I had coordination, and they felt the need to say something that made me feel accomplished and confident. Now, I sign drumsticks. Somewhere in the middle of the escalation, I was influenced to fuse my drumming with witnessing about the life of Christ. I wanted to be in a band/community/group of musicians that shared the ability to create and that was interested in the advancement of the kingdom. Our songs were nothing more than poems about love, grace, and truth in Christ with music behind it that contained the best of what each could bring to the song. So, why the following questions and observations?...

“I wonder how he feels when I do things to impress people so that they react to my display. Luke 17:1-2.
It scares me to death.”

With the thought of my choice to fuse Christ and my musical abilities, the failures of doing so are more prevalent in my reminiscence, specifically in Columbus, by leading kids into the sins of lust and false idolatry. I know it was their choice to carry them out, but I feel guilty being the vessel of those sins. Make sense? Again, I feel like I’m a distraction.
OK
“1Timithy2:2 Why is that so hard to do? What/where the eff does attention from random people get me in eternity!? NOTHING/NOWHERE you idiot!”

I didn’t have any resources handy and I took that verse out of context. I confess. BUT!, my thought still remains. I was trying to express frustration with my desire for self glorification. Why do I feel the need to impress folk? Why do I want to be known? I’m trying to make Christ known, not me. When people come and tell me that I am the best drummer they have ever seen, I feel good man. But how in this short lived, feeble existence is respect from peers going to get me closer to my creator? It won’t! and that is what I’m trying to tell myself. The desire for it though is tough to put aside when I’m on stage.

Often, I think of just throwing all music away and living quietly, helping others tangibly without ever being noticed.

Why don’t I just freakin do it!?