It’s Over.
My ministry, my friendships, my band, my influence, my project, my "baby", my way out from sitting in front of this damn computer, my black hole of attention, the fame, the signatures, the wet clothes, the hardships, the bad luck, the deepening of dept, the empty venues, the filled ones, the struggle of separating ministry and compliments, the guilt of self focus, my confidence, the pride when recognized as the drummer of…, the loudness of a crowd after a song that impressed them, the spoken respect from other musicians, the frustration of late bandmates, the worry of break up, the satisfaction of creation, temptation to stray from the reason I want/aim to play, and yet, here I go again…
Thank you for what the past 4 years have and haven’t been for me. Thank you for helping me through temptations and I’m so sorry for falling, mostly likely, more than overcoming. Thank you for tribulation and being my strength when patience was tried. Thank you for those involved that have shared all of these emotions and who gave me something tangible to turn to for love, encouragement, and a reality check. Thank you for safety and letting our performances be “uneventful” through your protection. Thank you for friends I’ve acquired and contacts I’ve made. Thank you for your mercy on me, even after my failures and mistakes during these years.
All I am right now, is confused. I can't determine if it was more of selfish endeavor or a desire to be used somehow. The end got a little unfocused. I don't believe it to be coincidence that as the focused turned away from ministry, it fell apart.
Interesting.
I wonder how my creator feels when I go to a concert and I clap my hands, sometimes voice my appreciation, for the display of talent. What am I doing to that person/band. Confirming that they rule at their instruments and that they have a creative ability I respect? I'm definitely not thinking about God and his creative ability at the moments people impress me. It's not all the time that this happens. I just wish I could know how He really feels about it. Is there jealousy?
I wonder how he feels when I do things to impress people so that they react to my display. Luke 17:1-2.
It scares me to death.
1Timithy2:2 Why is that so hard to do? What/where the eff does attention from random people get me in eternity!? NOTHING/NOWHERE you idiot!
I think I need prayer people...
Thanks
15 years ago
After reading this, and what Scriptures you used at the end...i'd really like to know what you are thinkig with this. Are you saying that you band was a stumbling block (seeking self-righteousness, feeling bad about that, not doing the effective ministry you set your goals toward...and allowing yourself to do that?) I'm trying to figure out what the stuming block is. Stumbling blocks, a few verses down, are described as sin, and to keep our brother from falling into them. It said "be on your guard", which is an encourgment against giving into the stumbling block...so it is preventable, and that's were strength and perseverence are important. I guess, yet again, I want to understand this better...I want inside that head of yours. :)
ReplyDeleteAndy, you're a stumbling block for me in a completely non-musical way *wink*.
ReplyDeleteBut anyways, I like your analysis that things fell apart when ministry lost its primary focus, but I don't think the stumbling block aspect is accurate. While the focus may not have always been directly on ministry, the lyrics and the words spoken from stage (even if we disagreed with the method) still pointed the way to Christ. One of the things I've learned over time is that ministry can still be accomplished by people who have a misguided focus.
While "doing ministry" without actually focusing on ministry is problematic on a personal level for you, it doesn't really qualify as a stumbling block in my book.